A Reason to Stay
by Dmarx
Summary: Takes place three months after Countdown. Beckett is still with Josh, but when Castle can no longer stand to see her with him and begins acting distant, will she be willing to do whatever it takes to save their partnership?


_Summary: Takes place three months after Countdown. Beckett is still with Josh, but when Castle can no longer stand to see her with him and begins acting distant, will she be willing to do whatever it takes to save their partnership? Slight spoilers for 2x24, 3x13 and 3x17._

_Author's Note: This has been floating around in my head for a while so I finally decided to get it down on paper. It is a little more angsty than what I usually write, but sometimes the mood strikes, you know. It's a one-shot (for now) but that is liable to change eventually. Enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own Castle or anything related to it. I just like to borrow the characters from time to time._

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><p><strong>A Reason to Stay<strong>

Kate Beckett arrived at the precinct early that morning, but instead of going to the bullpen, she made a beeline for the morgue. She knew Lanie was already there, and at the moment, Kate needed advice that could only come from a best friend.

"Lanie?" Kate called out, poking her head inside.

"Back here." Kate let the door shut behind her as Lanie came out of the back room, a stack of files in her hand.

"Hey," Kate said, hopping up to sit on one of the squeaky clean metal tables.

"So what's got you here so early?" Lanie had a habit of cutting to the chase, especially when she knew exactly why Kate was here.

"Maybe I just wanted to talk to you," Kate said, but she knew it was a feeble excuse.

"Girl, don't lie to me," Lanie scolded. "There's only one person who can get you this frazzled, so spill."

"I don't know, Lanie," Kate admitted, knowing there was no point in trying to hide it. "I don't know what's going on. He's been acting weird lately. Different."

"How so?"

"Just…he seems distant. Like he's distracted or like he doesn't want to be here anymore," Kate explained. "I feel like I'm losing him."

"Well that doesn't surprise me," Lanie said, ignoring Kate's word choice for the time being. "I mean, what do you expect him to do?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate asked.

"Sweetie, it's the same thing that happened last summer." Lanie knew this was no time to sugar coat things. "The only difference is that this time you're with Josh instead of Demming."

"What?" Kate was shocked. "No way, there's no way he still feels that way."

"Kate," Lanie scolded. "How can you say that? How can you not know, after all this time, why he comes back day after day?"

Kate thought back to Esposito's words last year. _"Why do you think he hangs around here all the time? What, research? The guy's done enough research to write fifty books. Look, whatever the reason, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy."_ He had been right then, but Kate was not sure that was still the case now.

"I don't see it, Lanie," Kate said. "It feels like he's just getting bored with me, just like I always knew he would."

"He's not bored, sweetie, he's heartbroken. Every time he sees you with Josh, it tears out another little piece of his heart. He wants you to be happy, but it kills him that you're finding that with someone else. You know as well as anyone that he stays because he cares about you." Kate opened her mouth to protest but Lanie continued before she had a chance. "He started a scholarship in your mother's name. He's risked his life for you multiple times. He beat up a sniper who was about to kill you. He almost died with you three times last month, and instead of leaving to be with his family, he stayed by your side to find that bomb. He'll do anything for you, Kate, because he loves you, and you know that, so don't tell me you don't see it, and don't tell me you don't feel the same."

"I…" Kate began, fighting back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her. "Lanie, I'm not going to break up with another guy for Castle. We all know what happened last time I did that."

"And it's going to happen again," Lanie said bluntly. "You just told me he's acting distant. He's pulling away because it hurts him to be with you. Frankly, I'm surprised he's stayed as long as he has, but anyone willing to stay and suffer through that much pain must want something really badly. You've got to give him a chance."

At this point, the tears began to spill down Kate's cheeks and Lanie reached out and hugged her friend, letting her cry. As much as she hated to see her in tears, right now it was a good thing because it meant she was finally being honest with herself.

After a few minutes, Kate managed to regain some sort of control. "I don't know what to do," she whispered, pulling away from Lanie and wiping her eyes.

"Sure you do," Lanie said. "You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want and I'm willing to bet that it's not Josh."

After a moment, Kate shook her head sadly. "No," she admitted. As much as she had tried to convince herself that Josh was right for her, she knew that she was not in it for the long haul. She never had been. She loved Josh, but as she sat here fighting back tears, she knew that she had never been in love with him. "It's not. I mean, Josh is a great guy, but he's never around."

"I know," Lanie said. "And you deserve someone who's there for you sweetie, and you know exactly who that is."

"I know, Lanie," she said. "But it's not that simple. There's so much at stake and I can't just walk away from Josh."

"I know you can't," Lanie said understandingly, "I'm not suggesting that you should break up with him and then fling yourself into Castle's arms because I know you're going to need time to think. I just don't want you to wait until it's too late again."

Kate felt her stomach clench in fear and she was barely able to force the words past the lump in her throat. That was precisely the reason she was here right now and Lanie realized that as soon as she saw her friend's reaction. "I'm afraid it already is," Kate whispered. The thought of not having Castle in her life was too much to bear and she felt another tear roll down her cheek.

"It's not," Lanie assured her. "But you need to talk to him, let him know that he still has a chance. Give him a reason to stay."

"What would I even say?" Kate asked.

"Be honest with him," Lanie said. "Tell him why you're breaking up with Josh. Let him know how much you care about him. Let him know that you need some time. Maybe even let him know that you're scared, but that you're still willing to give you two a chance. He needs to know the truth, Kate, because the lie that you two are living right now is too painful for both of you."

Kate nodded her head, unwilling to look her friend in the eye. She knew Lanie was right, but the thought of what she was about to do was absolutely terrifying. "Okay," she said softly.

"Don't be scared, sweetie. He loves you and as long as you give him a reason to stay, he'll never leave you."

"I know," she admitted. As much as she tried to deny it, she knew that Lanie was right about that too. "I know."

Lanie stepped forward and hugged her friend once more. "Go," she said. "Do what you gotta do while you have the chance and you know I'm here whenever you need me."

"Thanks, Lanie," Kate said as she headed for the door.

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><p>Castle rolled over and looked at the clock. Eight a.m. He knew he should get out of bed and head to the precinct but he could not force himself to do so, not after he had overheard Kate's phone conversation with Josh yesterday. <em>"I love you, I'll see you tonight,"<em> she had said. As soon as he heard the words, Castle felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He wanted her to be saying that to him, would give anything to hear her tell him that. When Kate had returned to her desk, Castle had excused himself for the day, claiming that Alexis needed help with her homework.

He was in love with Kate Beckett. He had been for over a year now, and every day he tried to prove that to her. And every day, she shot him down. He did not know what else to do anymore, and if he was honest with himself, he was running out of both time and ideas. There was only so much longer that he could bear to watch her be with someone else.

As he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, he thought back to the night three months ago, outside the abandoned warehouse. He had kissed Kate that night, and although it was supposed to be undercover, for him it had been so much more. In those few seconds that their lips were together, he had felt something he had never experienced before in his life; true love, stemming from the depths of his heart and soul. Later that evening, after the shootout, he was in the ambulance having his hand wrapped when Kate came in to thank him. There was so much he wanted to say in that moment, but he knew that they were completely exhausted, and it was not a good time to have that kind of conversation. So instead, he decided on a brief answer, trying to convey as much as he possibly could with that one word.

"_Always."_

He wanted her to know that he would always be there for her, not just during cases, but in all aspects of her life as well, if she would let him. A month later when they were stuck in the freezer, Kate had thanked him for being there, and he had given her the same response. The only problem was that even after all of this she was still with Josh. And Castle was still alone. He had no intention of backing out on his promise to always be there, but with each passing day he was finding it more and more difficult to be around her. He was hopelessly in love with her but every time he tried to show it, he ended up getting his heart broken a little bit more. And after yesterday, he was beginning to wonder if she even needed him anymore. She had someone else now, and he knew that he was losing any chance he ever had.

Maybe it would be best if he just called it quits. He could go to the Hamptons, finish the final books of the Nikki Heat series, and move on with his life. He knew that leaving last summer had nearly destroyed their partnership, and once she had let him back in, he promised himself that he would never leave again. He knew that if he did, it would be over for good. And although he knew he could never truly walk away from her, times like this made him think that maybe that would be for the best.

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><p>An hour later, Castle had finally convinced himself to get out of bed. He was in the kitchen pouring coffee when he heard a knock at the door. Confused as to who it could be at nine in the morning, he opened the door slowly, peeking through the crack. When his eyes landed on Kate, his whole body went into overdrive. A mixture of love, frustration, and heartbreak filled him as he stepped back, allowing her to enter.<p>

"Hey," she said softly as he shut the door behind her.

"Hey," he replied. "Why aren't you at work?"

"Because I need to talk to you," she answered honestly, sitting down on the couch. This was hard enough for her as it was and she was hoping that being straight forward might stop him from joking around.

"Okay, what's up?" Castle sat down on the other end of the couch, giving her space.

"I…what's going on with you lately, Castle?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" He had been trying to keep his feelings hidden but it appeared that she had caught on.

"Well for one, it's after nine and you're still in your pajamas. Usually you're at the precinct by now," she began. "And when you _are_ there, you seem bored or something."

"I'm not bored," Castle said hesitantly. He was not sure how much he wanted to say. Despite the fact that part of him wanted to pour his heart out to Kate, the part of him that had heard her tell Josh she loved him was holding him back. "I'm….do you really want to know?" he asked.

"Why else would I ask?" Kate hoped the sarcasm would hide her fear of his possible answer. As much as she figured that Lanie was right, she was desperately hoping Castle would say something to the contrary,

"Well because…" Castle stopped. As often as he cursed himself for letting fear get the best of him, he now knew why it kept happening. He was terrified. If he admitted this, he was giving her the ability to completely shatter him, and the fact that she had Josh gave him a pretty good idea what her response would be. "I can't…" he started before trailing off again.

She looked up and saw fear and sadness in his eyes and in that moment she understood why he had never admitted the feelings that Lanie was convinced that he had. He loved her, but he would not tell her because she had someone else.

She knew Lanie was right and she had to say something. "Castle, I'm so sorry." The words were out of her mouth before she even realized it.

"For what?"

"For making you feel like this," she answered. "I know you're upset at me and I'm sorry for whatever I did to cause it. Just tell me what it is so we can fix things."

"You know what it is," Castle answered. "And if you don't then maybe things are better off this way."

The words tore her heart out as she realized just how close she was to losing him again. He could not really think that, could he? "You don't believe that," Kate said firmly. "I know you don't."

"Honestly, right now, I do," he said bitterly.

"No, you don't." She held her ground. "You're just upset, but holding it back isn't going to fix this."

At her words he finally snapped, his anger getting the better of his fear. "Damn it, Kate," Castle yelled. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you how painful it is to watch you with Josh? How I wanted to just disappear when I heard what you said to him last night? How every time I try to do something to show you how I feel, nothing changes and it breaks my heart a little bit more? I promised to always be there for you, Kate, but you won't let me and I can't keep coming back day after day knowing that you really don't need me in your life. It kills me and I can't take it anymore."

The silence that filled the room was deafening. Their gazes were locked and both of them were desperately fighting back tears. Castle's heart was racing. Now that he had finally laid all his cards on the table, he knew he was about to watch his world collapse in front of him.

Kate looked away first, ducking her head as the tears started to fall. Castle had no clue whether she was crying because of guilt of because of what she was about to say, but with every passing second he felt like a rubber band being stretched tighter and tighter. He could not stand it any longer. If she was going to break his heart, he wished she would just get it over with so he could move on with his life. If that was even possible. "Okay, that's what I thought," he said finally, standing up in defeat and heading for his office.

"Castle, wait!" His departure had snapped Kate's brain back into action and she realized that he was leaving. She stood up to follow him.

"No, Beckett," he said. "You've made your choice and I respect that."

"Yes, and it's you." Again, the words left her mouth before she realized it but she did not care. She was desperate not to lose him and right now was no time to let her brain take over.

"What?" Castle stopped in his tracks, allowing her to catch up.

"It's you, Rick" she said, more calmly.

Castle thought back to what he had overheard at the precinct last night. "Since when?"

"Since this morning," she admitted. "Well actually since a while ago. But I could tell something was wrong yesterday and I finally admitted it I guess. You had the same look in your eyes as you did before you left for the Hamptons last summer and I don't want to lose you again. I…you can't leave, Rick," Kate choked out past the lump in her throat. "You can't. I need you here."

"What about Josh?" he asked.

"I'm breaking up with him later," she answered, surprised at the confidence in her voice.

"You loved him last night," Castle said and she heard the bitterness return to his voice again.

"I know but…" Kate trailed off. "Look Castle, Josh is a good guy and I do love him but I'm not _in_ love with him. We were never really right for each other even though I tried to convince myself that we could be. And I don't want to keep hurting you by being with him."

As angry as he was, Castle did not want her to hurt herself for his benefit. "Don't break up with him for my feelings," he said. "If you love him, you should stay with him. I can deal."

"I'm not breaking up with him for your feelings, Rick," she said, the way she said his first name throwing him off. "I'm breaking up with him for you."

"For me?" Castle was barely able to get the words out. He could not believe what he was hearing. Less than twenty-four hours ago he had thought that he had completely lost her to Josh and now she was going to break up with him.

Kate misread his expression of shock and began explaining, deciding to go all the way back to last May. "I would have gone with you last year, you know. To the Hamptons," she said quietly. Castle looked up in surprise. "I broke up with Tom. I was going to tell you but I didn't get a chance." She purposely avoided mentioning the individual who had ruined said chance. She did not need to. Castle understood. "I met Josh when you were gone. I was hurting and he made me feel loved and he's a good guy. I thought he could take my mind off of you. And even when you were back, I felt like he deserved a chance, especially when he stayed in the country for me. I thought I could convince myself that we could work. I was so mad at you for leaving that I ignored how I felt about you and the pain I was putting you through. But if giving Josh a chance means losing you…I can't do that. It hurts all three of us." She finally stopped to take a breath, her heart pounding.

Castle remained silent, his mind whirling. She had admitted so much without being asked and he did not know how to respond. It was so unlike her. This time, it was Kate who was finding the silence uncomfortable. "If I'm already too late, I'm sorry," she finally said, trying to hide the pain in her voice. "But now at least you know the truth."

In a complete role reversal, Kate turned to leave as Castle's brain finally caught up with reality. _She loves you, don't let her go,_ was all he could comprehend. "Kate!" He lunged after her, grabbing her arm. Before either of them could say anything, he pulled her into a hug. Tentatively, she hugged him back and they stood there, holding each other tightly as if to make up for how close they had just come to losing each other.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered after a bit, his face buried in her hair. "I had no idea. I couldn't figure out why everyone was so mad at me when I came back but now I understand. I was in pain but you were happy, and I wanted that for you, so I left. I was so selfish and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," she admitted. "For hurting you by being with Tom and then for doing it all over again with Josh."

"You're really going to break up with him?" Castle asked tentatively, finally letting go of her.

"I have to. It's not fair to him," she answered as they separated, cringing inwardly at the thought of breaking his heart.

"Then what?" Castle asked. He did not want to push her but he needed to know before he got his hopes up.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. She took a deep breath, knowing she owed him an explanation. "Look, Castle, I know you want answers and I can't give them to you right now. I care about you, a lot. I want you in my life, maybe even as more than just as a partner and friend. But right now, I need some time to figure things out, okay?"

"So what are you saying?" he asked.

"That…" she paused, knowing this was the make-it-or-break-it moment. "That I want to give us a shot. I'm completely terrified about it, but I think we owe it to ourselves to try. But we take it slow and keep it to ourselves."

"Kate, I want you to be sure about this," Castle said. "Are you? Because I want that too, and I know things aren't going to change right away, but don't just tell me this because you want me to stay. Tell me this because you mean it."

"I do mean it, Rick. I really do want to give us a try." She paused to see his reaction. "You believe me, right?"

He looked deep into her eyes and while he could see fear, there was no hint that she was lying. "Yes," he said simply.

"Good." She stepped forward and hugged him again.

"So now what?" he asked as they released each other.

"I don't know," she admitted. This was as far ahead as she had thought. "We go to work like always and I'll deal with Josh tomorrow. Then we take it from there, one step at a time."

"Okay," he agreed, but Kate could sense his hesitation.

"But…?" she probed. He hesitated. "Rick, if you can't be honest with me this is never going to work."

"I'm sorry, this all just feels so up in the air," he said.

"It kind of is," she agreed.

"I don't like it," he said, matter-of-factly. "So promise me something."

"What?" she asked warily.

"I know you need time and space to figure things out, and I fully intend to respect that, but please don't cut me out," he begged. "I want to be there for you for whatever it is you're going through so please let me help you. Even if it's as simple as going for a walk and talking about stuff. I'm here for you however you need me to be."

"Thanks, Rick," she said. "That means a lot to me."

"You're welcome," he said softly.

As much as she wanted to stay there and just hold him, Kate knew that she needed to leave. Her emotions were raw and exposed right now and she was in no condition to be around Castle if he decided to put on the charm. "I've got to get back," she said sadly.

"Okay, do you want me to come in?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered without hesitation. "But remember, nobody at the precinct finds out _anything_ about this. Got it."

"Absolutely," he said.

"Good." Kate stepped closer and planted a kiss on Castle's cheek. "I'll see you in a few. And don't forget my coffee." And she was gone in a whirl of curls and cherries, leaving Castle standing in his living room staring at the door with his mouth hanging open. Kate Beckett was going to be the death of him.

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><p><strong>THE END<strong>

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


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